If you see

If you notice the eyes seeking the flowers, the sun, the night sky

If you notice the constant longing for fresh air

If you see the way I get lost in nature, in stories and in everything else that carries me away

If you see through me to me, with all my intricacies

You see me, and you have me.

7.6.20

There’s a feeling I have been trying to place for some time. Something about loss, something about things being irreversible, something about grasping at empty feelings.

I can’t trace it. It feels like I run and run and run at it but I can’t hold it, and I cannot understand it.

It’s something to do with having a strict upbringing in a protective family… being taught that there are ways a girl behaves… being taught that sex before marriage is wrong. It’s something to do with the irony that you have grown up with a history of sexual abuse in the very strict family with its very strict norms… unprotected. It’s something to do with the idea of being brought up to believe that family is everything , family is made up of your uncle and aunts, your cousins and every other relative in the line and learning one day that the very cousins you have grown up with… have broken your trust and abused you.

It’s something to do with growing up with repressed memories that break through one day when you are sitting in a class for sexual education.

It’s something to do with years of feeling like you had something to hide but you didn’t know why. Something about years of hating your body once you know, feeling disgusted and angry and helpless. It’s something about struggling with loving yourself, trusting others and having faith years after all of it is done. It’s something about grasping the idea that something has happened 15,16,17 years ago and the numbers keep adding but there’s nothing you can do to punish them.

It’s a lingering feeling. Maybe some day I’ll put my finger on it. Today, I’ll make do with writing it down.

Beacons

Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash

Everything seems well and good.

Until you remember,

you have always held your body as a beacon heralding harm

And darkness resides in corners you don’t know,

waiting to creep up into your heart

And your heart, it’s an iron walled cage

with a gentle, sensitive soul.

It hurts and it hurts so it twines iron around itself,

holding you in, holding you close. 

People

People pass like time

Like running water

Like drafts of wind on a summer night

Like a wisps of smoke trailing heavenward

And all that’s left in their wake 

is the fragrance of their presence 

A distant memory of their touch 

On your life

People pass like time

Like running water

Like drafts of wind on a summer night

Like a wisps of smoke trailing heavenward

Bell JAr

Like a butterfly 

A medley of colors

A delicate twine of body and spirit

A gossamer dream, soft and dusty

Beneath the sky of a bell jar


Inspired by Sylvia Plath’s Bell Jar

Repose

Repose

Give yourself enough time

Give yourself a break

You will drift into the shadows of life

and that isn’t too bad.

The shade will calm you and

the darkness will be your friend.


“Sometimes, we just need to take a step back from life and take a deep breath; let things be for a little while. Some times, doing does not get us anywhere. Constantly doing or chasing something is tiring and it takes energy from us.

Sometimes, the best thing to do is to sit and catch our breath.”