If you see

If you notice the eyes seeking the flowers, the sun, the night sky

If you notice the constant longing for fresh air

If you see the way I get lost in nature, in stories and in everything else that carries me away

If you see through me to me, with all my intricacies

You see me, and you have me.

7.6.20

There’s a feeling I have been trying to place for some time. Something about loss, something about things being irreversible, something about grasping at empty feelings.

I can’t trace it. It feels like I run and run and run at it but I can’t hold it, and I cannot understand it.

It’s something to do with having a strict upbringing in a protective family… being taught that there are ways a girl behaves… being taught that sex before marriage is wrong. It’s something to do with the irony that you have grown up with a history of sexual abuse in the very strict family with its very strict norms… unprotected. It’s something to do with the idea of being brought up to believe that family is everything , family is made up of your uncle and aunts, your cousins and every other relative in the line and learning one day that the very cousins you have grown up with… have broken your trust and abused you.

It’s something to do with growing up with repressed memories that break through one day when you are sitting in a class for sexual education.

It’s something to do with years of feeling like you had something to hide but you didn’t know why. Something about years of hating your body once you know, feeling disgusted and angry and helpless. It’s something about struggling with loving yourself, trusting others and having faith years after all of it is done. It’s something about grasping the idea that something has happened 15,16,17 years ago and the numbers keep adding but there’s nothing you can do to punish them.

It’s a lingering feeling. Maybe some day I’ll put my finger on it. Today, I’ll make do with writing it down.

Beacons

Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash

Everything seems well and good.

Until you remember,

you have always held your body as a beacon heralding harm

And darkness resides in corners you don’t know,

waiting to creep up into your heart

And your heart, it’s an iron walled cage

with a gentle, sensitive soul.

It hurts and it hurts so it twines iron around itself,

holding you in, holding you close. 

Midnight Musings (13.3.20)

There is no easy fix for helping someone you love heal from their pain. That is a journey they have to take themselves. And the more they learn to walk on their path, the stronger they will be.

If you want to help, talk to them. Ask them what helps them as they learn how to heal. Ask them what their biggest fear is, see if you can offer them words that offer them relief. Be present, if they need a shoulder to lean on. Understand that it isn’t going to be an easy process, and know that your presence makes a great difference anyway. 

#NTS

Curtain Call

Honey, 

I know the clouds are there

And a storm looks imminent 

There will be flashes of lightning

And there might be thunder

And the whole sky is going to put up a show

You don’t have to be afraid though.

Just sit back, open your eyes and empty your mind.

The performance is almost over

And life will go on again.

Snow Globe

Maybe if you looked at the world

like you would at a glass snow globe

You would understand,

That we share the same sky

And the same snow blankets us all

And we aren’t all that different from each other

Paper Girl

Paper Girl

She was the girl who survived,

the one who lived to tell the tale,

and was assumed the stronger for it.

Little did you know –

you could breathe life into a paper girl

but you could never make her real.

She would always be made of paper,

always susceptible to flames.

Center Yourself

Maybe it will be

in the silence of a noisy road,

in the stillness of a crowded hospital,

in the vibrancy of the same four walls,

wherever it is though,

wherever you find your peace –

center yourself.