Beacons

Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash

Everything seems well and good.

Until you remember,

you have always held your body as a beacon heralding harm

And darkness resides in corners you don’t know,

waiting to creep up into your heart

And your heart, it’s an iron walled cage

with a gentle, sensitive soul.

It hurts and it hurts so it twines iron around itself,

holding you in, holding you close. 

#NTS 17.4.20

Context:

My brain’s been doing some heavyweight thinking lately and this stream of thought entered my mind.

I remember a particular session with my therapist – we had discussed how some of the beliefs I had about myself would take time to go because they had been sedimenting for years.

I had spent the past 20 years of my life forming certain habits and certain thought patterns that did not benefit me, that did not help my sense of self-worth and that were dependent on my experiences of abuse as a kid.

I remember making a promise to myself then – that the first 20 years of my life hadn’t been influenced a lot by my choice. But I did plan to make sure that the next 20 years would be year filled with love and growth for me. I wanted to undo the influence my abusers had on me – to reteach myself that I deserved love.

I have been working on it, though progress is tough. Here is a thought from a couple of days back –


You have always believed in telling other people to love themselves, to respect themselves as they are.

I want you to think about yourself like that. Think for a moment about your hurt, what you carry. Think about what you promised yourself, for the next 20 years of your life.

Theres a part of you, you understand now. A part that is healing and needs love – reach out to it.

You are enough. As you are now. In this moment, with your beginning, with your hurt, with your dreams and wishes and your happiness. You are enough.

You dont have to be more for anyone. You dont have to conform to fit into somebody’s space for love. You will find somebody you connect with, and they will love you as you are. And you will learn to form the spaces in between each other. 

Hang in there.

Repose

Give yourself enough time

Give yourself a break

You will drift into the shadows of life

and that isn’t too bad.

The shade will calm you and

the darkness will be your friend.


“Sometimes, we just need to take a step back from life and take a deep breath; let things be for a little while. Some times, doing does not get us anywhere. Constantly doing or chasing something is tiring and it takes energy from us.

Sometimes, the best thing to do is to sit and catch our breath.”


Beacons

Everything seems well and good.

Until you remember, you have always held you body

as a beacon heralding harm

And darkness resides in corners you don’t know, waiting to creep up into your heart

And your heart, it’s an iron walled cage

with a gentle, sensitive soul.

It hurts and it hurts so it twines iron around itself, keeping you in, holding you close.

Love

I think love scares us because to be without it, is to be empty 

And we are so scared of losing what makes us feel special. 

But I think we forget sometimes, 

that what you love never leaves your side.

It is immortal; It stays

as a wisp of memory hanging on your lips, waiting to be uttered

resting beneath your eyelids, teasing your imagination time and again

In the sounds, and the voices and the music that you hear

dancing to tunes you didn’t know were ringing in your head.